So I kept doing what I was doing. I would sneak away and watch some porn when I had the urge and felt empty and lonely. I didn’t really feel better afterward. If anything I felt guilty. 

No one knew.Not family. Not friends. Not my girlfriends. I was the only one who knew what was going on inside of me. 

As a kid I knew where the porn magazines were stashed and would frequently sneak off and take a look through the pages of the usual “gentlemen’s” publications at the beautiful -naked- women. Innocent enough. It’s a right of passage for young boys, right? Part of growing up. Knowing I was doing something I “wasn’t supposed to do” (yet socially supposed to explore) and getting away with it was always a rush. I snuck into the bedrooms and closets and pulled out a magazine and made sure that it was placed back in the same position so my “reading” would go undetected - or at least overlooked - so I could sneak back later without getting in trouble. 

Well as the years passed my innocent trips to closets and bedrooms turned into something that made me want more than just a magazine. I would occasionally find a VHS (remember those?) with more beautiful women (well, most of the time) doing stuff to guys that seemed incredibly sexually gratifying. So I watched and lusted (among other things) and hoped that one day these awesome “acts” would happen to me. I mean who doesn’t like to feel good, right? So I snuck and watched a video when I was alone and made sure that it would start at the same spot as when I found it so my “watching” would go undetected - or at least overlooked - so I could come back later. 

Well years passed and I finally got my own computer when I went to college. Sneaking around was pretty easy. I had a lot of practice by now and didn’t have to worry about any family finding out. I mean, I was the only one who could use a computer anyway. The down side to internet porn back then was that dial up (remember that?) was sooo slow. I mean you might as well bust out a VHS (and I had a few hidden) rather than wait on a site to halfway load. So I would sneak around when my roommate was gone and see if I could get some naked women to load on the monitor or TV screen before he came back. 

Years passed and I kept doing the same old stuff. Alone? Bored? Empty? How about some naked women to pass the time? Sure. Seemed easy and harmless enough. I mean, no one was getting hurt, right?